Toward the end of this past monstrously hot July, the US Congress did something bold, something they are uniquely qualified to do: they delved into one of the most critical issues Americans face today, to the exclusion of less important, peripheral things like how to not broil the Earth. This much more important issue, says Congress, is space aliens.
The House wants to know, once and for all, what are these “unidentified aerial phenomena” and how is Hunter Biden responsible for them? The Senate, for their part, are taking a more skeptical approach, in large part because when they were junior senators, both Mitch McConnell and Diane Feinstein were fooled by that rascally Orson Welles radio broadcast in 1938.
To be perfectly frank, it would come as no surprise at all to this reporter if many current senators were members of Heaven's Gate that somehow missed out on the aliens during the last visit of Hale-Bopp. In fact it would be less surprising to find out that some of the members of Congress had actually been on the mothership behind the comet. Based strictly on their behavior on the job.
The House Subcommittee on National Security, the Border, and Foreign Affairs set up a public hearing on 26 July to, in their words, “explore firsthand accounts of unidentified anomalous phenomena (UAP) and assess the federal government’s transparency and accountability regarding UAPs’ possible threats to U.S. national security.”
What’s that? What the heck is an “unidentified amoeba pheromone" (UAP)? That’s a great question. To help understand the issue that Congress is pursuing, it is helpful to first explain some acronyms.
UFO: Unidentified Flying Object
UAP: Unidentified Aerial Phenomena
UAP (again): Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena
UMOTCIMY: Unidentified Maritime Object that Crashed into My Yacht (what, you think all aliens fly? Grow up)
UGP: Unidentified Ground Phenomena (usually a racoon or opossum, Karen, not a burglar but possibly an alien. Either way this dull pocket knife will not help)
WTFWT: What the F@*K Was That (initial classification for any of the above)
The funny thing about the 26 July hearing is that it wasn’t really looking to answer the question “are there aliens”? It was trying to determine whether the military and other government agencies were being too secretive and not sharing information about the unidentified androgynous photosynthesis (UAP). If you read carefully the subcommittee’s press release announcing the hearing, you might see a little bit of showboating:
“The Pentagon and Washington bureaucrats have kept this information hidden for decades, and we’re finally going to shed some light on it. We’re bringing in credible witnesses who can provide public testimony because the American people deserve the truth. We’re done with the cover-ups,” said Rep. Tim Burchett (R-Tenn, and probable alien.).
If it’s one thing that you think of when you hear the word “truth.” it’s definitely the House of Representatives. Side note, every desk in the house has a phone to be able to phone home.
Anyway, the hearing itself was chocked full of shocking testimony, from the stunning claim that the US is in possession of “nonhuman biologics” material, to the truly unbelievable looney tunes claim that Jim Jordan isn't “nonhuman biologic” material. It was interesting that a former intelligence official stated that, in his opinion, the US government was “absolutely” in possession of UAPs, but then said the details were “classified.” It seems like the whole “possession of UAPs” would have also been classified as well, so that seems a little weak.
So what’s next? The issue around government transparency was so important that Congress immediately cleared everything from their calendar. Except the 5-week recess. "After all, we're not robots! " trilled Congresshuman Astromech R2D2, probably. After they get back, House leadership has assured Americans that getting to the bottom of these “UFOs” is a top priority, right behind eviscerating welfare programs and forcing America to default on her debts.
But in the end, we’re pleased to report that the committee has already achieved much of their ultimate goal of not addressing critical US issues, and for that, they should be commended.